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 Post subject: Re: Influences.
PostPosted: 13 Jul 2008, 12:50 
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Garden Goddess
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Yes, my MIL knowingly dated and lived with a pedophile, and all of us had a hinky intuition bells going off...I had him investigated and he was a 3 time repeat offenderAND SHE KNEW HE WAS IN PRISON FOR A "SEX CRIME"....after going banshee on her ass and banning her from my property and even speaking to my child...my dd was 10 at the time. The condition was as long as she was with this man she can no way shape or form have contact with us. his last victims were 8 and 10....my daughter was 10 and my niece was 7 at the time he was in her life. it took her 2 years to leave him Jess and she knew he was a pervert!!!!
Do we still all get together as a family at holidays such as christmas, easter and thanksgiving. and I can stomach her, not for hersake but for my husbands sake and he knows he does not need to play peacemaker either. It is conditional that she is in my house at all, and it is only because she is his mom.

As far as family related "functions" on my side of the family, we only have 1 every 3-4 years or so and the last one I chose not to stay with family but at my ex BIL's...why? well 1 I still love him and his new wife like family and 2 I could stay away from all the family drama. We all got together for the obligatory Christmas meal. I live 5 hours from my grandparents, cousins etc so I got to visit with them on my terms. And besides we live so far apart that they are not going to bond as small children anyways.

gotta help dh load tree limbs right now, but I will be back

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 Post subject: Re: Influences.
PostPosted: 13 Jul 2008, 13:04 
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Grand Poobah
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:eek:

Now that's really bad.

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 Post subject: Re: Influences.
PostPosted: 13 Jul 2008, 13:48 
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I KNOW!!!!! I guess that would qualify in answering your question huh? :) and would you believe my dh's sister will still to this day say "well she is the kids gramma, she deserves to have a relationship with them".....um really? My reply is "well she does, just a very limited one" :D

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 Post subject: Re: Influences.
PostPosted: 13 Jul 2008, 14:20 
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Grand Poobah
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We have a similar issue. We merely never leave the boy alone. Ever.

Ok, we are leaving him a little more, because he's real strong and capable of talking

They keep saying, 'when he stays for a vacation' and we're like 'yeah, right!'

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 Post subject: Re: Influences.
PostPosted: 13 Jul 2008, 19:41 
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My suggestion is this "trust your gut" if you intuit at anytime that your son is not safe, do not ignore it. regardless if you go to the top of the S*it list with your in laws. I held the presidents title for quit some years, its good to be #1, my ex BIL has since replaced me and now we joke I am the vice president. LOL :D

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 Post subject: Re: Influences.
PostPosted: 13 Jul 2008, 20:02 
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Well, we're raising our boy to question authority and stand up fro himself.

You know, once burned...

We're careful. But not smothering.

But then, there are the family you really just would never be around if it weren't for blood.

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 Post subject: Re: Influences.
PostPosted: 14 Jul 2008, 21:31 
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jess wrote:
I mean, do you ever change how you personally deal with family because you don't want your child to miss out on something family related?

We went 2 years without seeing my in-laws, and only started seeing them again because of our son. So, I'm looking as to what you'd do?

We haven't seen them since December now, and that's because we're all 'too busy'. Which is a shame. But how much out of our way should we go so they can see our boy?


If they're toxic, what is he missing?


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 Post subject: Re: Influences.
PostPosted: 14 Jul 2008, 21:39 
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Family.

And all the things that go with having grandparents. Gifts, play, time...

It's just *wrong* to me. It's not who I am.

And I second guess myself. I guess I feel they can't really be that toxic...

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 Post subject: Re: Influences.
PostPosted: 14 Jul 2008, 22:15 
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Jess I totally understand that desire to have your child develop a close bond with a grandparent.

can you give me an example?

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 Post subject: Re: Influences.
PostPosted: 14 Jul 2008, 22:25 
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Well, I think you want an example of toxicity?

I dunno...

One of the last times my MiL came to visit, she was here for a few hours, and she spent the time walking our dog and doing a crossword puzzle.

:dontknow:

I would have played with our son.

Ever since my SiL had her daughter, our boy has gotten less important...

Hurts DH, hurts me, boy doesn't seem to care...

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 Post subject: Re: Influences.
PostPosted: 15 Jul 2008, 07:53 
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she sounds bOring, no wonder he could care less. I would venture to guess this is more about you and dh observing and feeling the lack of interest she displays towards one of her grandchildren.

I have always pictured my son walking down a dirt road with fishing pole in hand with one of his grampas, or all of em in the kitchen making cinnamon rolls with gramma...... its the Norman Rockwell painting movie in the head, and its not going to happen. false expectation.

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 Post subject: Re: Influences.
PostPosted: 15 Jul 2008, 08:15 
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Oh, my FiL is a big talker. He's full of 'when he gets bigger, we'll...'

We both sit there and think 'when he gets bigger, you'll be a stranger, because he's boring to you as a little one'.

Most of the toxic stuff comes from the whole family in general--- although there is an inheritance involved, and that makes people more evil--- and what happened to Dh as a boy.

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 Post subject: Re: Influences.
PostPosted: 15 Jul 2008, 19:34 
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If their inattention is the issue, you could let them initiate the visits with your son. Maybe if they make the plans, they might actually engage him.


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 Post subject: Re: Influences.
PostPosted: 15 Jul 2008, 19:36 
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ah, it's more of a whole side of the family issue, and when they initiate the visits, they do the same thing.

It's just who they are.

:dontknow:

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 Post subject: Re: Influences.
PostPosted: 23 Jul 2008, 10:28 
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Otter wrote:
I KNOW!!!!! I guess that would qualify in answering your question huh? :) and would you believe my dh's sister will still to this day say "well she is the kids gramma, she deserves to have a relationship with them".....um really? My reply is "well she does, just a very limited one" :D


See, I just don't think some people deserve my company, family or not. When I have kids, they will NEVER meet my womb unit. My sister has two kids and feels the same way. Of course, we have some pretty serious reasons for it (similar to yours).


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